I was going to write this in my journal, but it's all the way upstairs and I am SO warm right now in my little bedroom den.
I feel like I've had a breakdown coming. You know how you can sorta sense those on the horizon, like a little floater in your eye that you can't quite get focus on, but you know it's there? I've had that feeling for a while now. Long enough that it had almost become my default state.
I think tonight I had it. I'm delving into things I didn't even realize where still things. Like, I think I fully came to peace with my divorce. Not that I was regretting it or anything, but I think I've been fighting accepting how much of it was my fault. I've landed on: it's a tie! We both messed up each other's lives a little bit, because we were just two people who shouldn't have been married in the first place. I'm not a victim, I'm an accomplice. That was an unexpected little epiphany, very pleasant. 10/10.
Also, I had a session with a very cool person the other day, and I was thinking about how I, too, was once a young person living alone and filling my days with a lot of whatever I wanted. That seems like a really long time ago, and it almost hurt to get to those memories. That's, like...over over. I have a whole family now, I won't ever again live like I used to....
That thought flipped a switch. I used to be a completely different person. I'm just so far from that now, I almost couldn't even believe it. "I used to...run? For fun? I PAID to do it?!" And then, "oh, yeah. I used to go the gym kind of a lot. And I went to a lot of shows...and I had nights out with my friends. I remember that."
That stuff all feels like it must have been somebody else. Who are we talking about? I don't even know her name.
Not a super fun realization. 1/10
See, when I got into shooting boudoir as an actual real life job, I had just moved back after spending 10 years living down state. I was getting divorced. I was feeling pretty alone. I could just as easily (maybe more easily) started pushing myself as a family photographer, or newborn photographer. It's sort of a big swing to go somewhere where you don't really have a lot of friends and say, "Heyyyy, what if I took pictures of you--naked?"
It's a bit of a weird move.
But, I don't know, I just really enjoyed boudoir. It was really kind of like a high to watch people during and after a session. I like how excited they get about it, and how proud they are of themselves, because it can really be a scary thing. I don't know a lot of people who are like, "Being vulnerable with a stranger? Sign me up!" I felt like what I imagine skydiving instructors must feel after they've taken someone on their first jump. But on a much more ground-y level. It's just so fun to see that excitement and over-the-top happiness. How often do you get to see someone super happy on any given day? Like, laughing with delight kind of happy. That is a very, very fun thing to witness.
I built up a Facebook group for women, and it grew a lot bigger than I thought it would. And I like it so much. Sometimes I actively pull back from posting in it because I don't want to be annoying (and then I think, "it's for business, what the hell am I thinking? I'm supposed to be annoying!") because I really, really like the feeling of community that comes from that group. I like the vibe a lot. I like the conversations and people; it just really makes me happy and I think maybe subconsciously I gravitated towards boudoir because I wanted female friendships in my life.*
*Note, I thought it was weird to specify "female" there, but it looks way sadder if I just say friendships.
So maybe I started shooting boudoir as a way to hold onto that part of me that was disappearing. That part that went out, and did things, and had hobbies. To keep peeking at it and reassuring myself that it's still there, it hasn't entirely gone away.
Weird thought. Kinda embarrassing, but also motivational. I should start having a little bit of a life again. Maybe hit the gym again. Maybe start running again. Something again. 8/10.
All this, mind you, was brought on by that breakdown feeling. She's a-coming, I could tell. I just had a feeling like I was going to cry really soon. So I started examining all the weird, random thoughts that were popping into my head whenever I had a moment of quiet. I thought I could get to the bottom of that "impending storm" feeling.
And I definitely have, tonight. Partly because I'm just really tired, and partly because I think I've been in Panicked Mom Mode for so long that I really needed to just release some of the pressure in my brain. But, I'm not sad. I'm feeling hopeful. Relieved. Calm. Like I just puked up 8 pounds of sand. While I've personally never experienced that, my dog has, and he seemed pretty chill once it was over. I feel like I've shone a light on some of my hidden anxieties and now they have to come out of the dark and face me and I can smash them to death with my flashlight.
Maybe it wasn't so much of a breakdown coming as a breakthrough.
Or, maybe I just had a kid-free night and had an edible (locally sourced, thank you. Shop small) and my brain made up a long rambling diatribe to keep me entertained. Maybe it's BOTH!